1 in 4 - Miscarriage

Pregnancy loss…it feels surreal to even be writing this post. As if writing about it somehow makes it more real. Like I didn’t feel it already.

For those of you who don’t know, this past August, I suffered a miscarriage. I don’t use the word “suffer” lightly. To make an already heartbreaking situation worse, I had complications which resulted in a procedure needing to be done six weeks after I miscarried. It made the whole process drag on and on. I have felt as though my heart had been ripped out of my chest and my whole world came crumbling down. But I had to pick myself right back up. We have a child who depends on us and who needs mommy and daddy to be fully present and engaged.

When we were going through our fertility journey and eventual IVF in 2018, everyone knew. Everyone knew every step, every surgery, every procedure. It was a blessing and a curse. We made the decision not to tell anyone that we were going for an embryo transfer. This time around we wanted to keep it for ourselves. Kayla was the only person I told as we were going through our frozen embryo transfer (FET) process. When we found out the FET worked and we were pregnant, we were beyond ecstatic. We had made plans to tell our families shortly after taking some time to enjoy it for ourselves, but were so excited to surprise them with this life changing announcement. I even had a “big brother” t-shirt made for Mason and had it all planned out on how we would tell our parents.

Then our worst fear became our reality; I miscarried. As ignorant as this sounds, miscarrying wasn’t even on my radar. I thought all I had to worry about was getting our embryo transfer to work. It didn’t even cross my mind that I could miscarry. I couldn’t let myself get to a place where it was possible for my body to fail me yet again. Your world changes the moment you get pregnant. You imagine the life your baby will live, and see your family change in an instant.

So here we are, two months later and I’m ready to talk about it.

Why am I opening the door to share my story? How many women do you know that have miscarried? Probably a handful at most, but that number is so much higher than you or I even know. It is estimated that miscarriages occur in about 15% to 25% of pregnancies. It is truly a miracle to go through the journey of bringing life into the world. Since no one knew we were pregnant, finding a way to tell our friends and family what we went through was a challenge. With my mom, I just called her and completely broke down. With some of my friends, it wasn’t until a month later that I finally decided to tell them.

I can’t tell you how many times I changed my mind about sharing this publicly. Would people think I was posting this for attention? Would they think I am using my grief as a way to promote our page? Please believe me when I say this is the furthest from the truth. Since my miscarriage, I have been on countless message boards and support groups with women who have experienced the same loss. Sharing our emotions, our grieving process, our anger and every feeling in between has been helpful. I want anyone who has experienced this kind of loss to know that they are not alone. 

Feeling of guilt and shame

When I say that I felt this on every level, it is a complete understatement. I racked my brain trying to figure out if I did something to cause my miscarriage. After speaking with the nurses, my fertility Doctor and consulting Dr. Google on numerous occasions, I think it finally sunk in that there is absolutely nothing that I could have done to prevent this from happening. Realistically, I know that. It doesn’t change the fact that I blame myself. I cannot get pregnant without IVF, and now I was unable to carry our baby. It’s such a messed up feeling that I can’t really describe.

We are so incredibly blessed to have seen IVF success with our son Mason. He is our world, and I can’t imagine how we would have survived this without him. However, already having a son added to my guilt. Typing this out, it sounds crazy, but it’s my truth. I sat there several hundred times telling myself “at least we have Mason” or “we have a child, there are so many people out there who are still trying for baby number one”. While those things are true, it doesn’t diminish the fact that my pain is real. My pain is valid. It is not a competition on “who has it worse”. Even by thinking that someone else has it worse somehow diminishes the pain, and makes it feel like it isn’t worthy.

Support

If you make the decision to let people in, you can be pleasantly surprised by how much love and support surrounds you. I feel so blessed to truly have the support of my friends and family. When we told them, we were welcomes with an outpouring of love. Kayla was the first person I told since she was the only person who knew I was even pregnant. Aside from the immediate “I’m so sorry” messages, she texted me and said “Dinner is ordered and will be there at 5PM.” I remember standing in my kitchen with Travis crying reading her text. When we told our parents and close friends, they all showed up in one way or another. Some with food, some with flowers, and some with open ears and an open heart. We are so fortunate to have an amazing support system around us.

It is a tough loss to support. There are so many things that you can say with the best of intentions, but in turn can do some real damage. A few questions/statements that others offered that I found helpful were:

1.   “I’m so sorry for your loss”

2.   “You are not alone”

3.   Sharing your own experience with miscarriage if you have had one. This is a sensitive one because it is not a comparison game. Everyone grieves differently and someone might say “I miscarried at 16 weeks and was back at work the next day”; that doesn’t mean you have to do the same. If you need to curl up in a ball and cry and be sad, do that. Don’t let someone else’s grieving timeline make you feel that you need to follow suit.

4.   A random “thinking of you” text. Having people acknowledge our loss and ask about it helped.

5.   Your feelings, whatever they are, are valid. I went through and still am, going through every emotion. From the hormones I was taking as part of my transfer to the pregnancy hormones that were still running through my body, it really took a toll on me. Even if you don’t understand the grief, anger, sadness and anxiety, never tell a woman that she "shouldn't" feel a certain way. Though there is one exception to this rule….

6.  “It’s not your fault”. I blamed myself. Full stop. Even though I know deep down in my heart that there is nothing I could have done to prevent this from happening, I continued to blame myself. Be sure to tell someone who has suffered a miscarriage that they are not to blame.

So where do we go from here? At this point as I write this blog, it’s two months from when I miscarried. I’m still going through the grieving process and dealing with the emotions that go along with it. I think it’s important to note that everyone’s journey can look very different, but they all matter. When we feel ready, we will try again. We are not rushing it, and want to enjoy celebrating Mason’s 2nd birthday without the added stress of doing another embryo transfer. For now, it’s one day at a time. For anyone who has experienced pregnancy loss or the loss of a child, my heart is with you and you are not alone.